Thursday, December 30, 2010

Istanbul and Me

Hi all :) Been some time since i read a decent blog, much less posted one. Been kinda preoccupied, my apologies. Nyways, here I am, 6 days into my winter hols, uploading a few pictures from our 3-day transit in Istanbul on the way home last summer. Just to add a dimension to it, am tacking on some feelings to each image.
An old tree in the Hagia Sophia Musuem. A lot of wonder and enthusiasm was poured into Ottoman relics and bejeweled daggers and teapots (yes, there was a ruby inlaid teapot), but just as much amazement and awe was found in this tree, hollow inside, yet still providing shade. 
When I see you with another, this is is how I feel. Like there's something gnawing at me from the inside out, but yet I stand there, unwilling and unable to move. Jealousy and Commitment.

A pup on the grounds of the Sultan Ahmet (Blue) Mosque. I come from a Muslim country and transiting in yet another Muslim country, I was touched to see the casual passerby feed stray dogs and cats alike. And shockingly, the stray looks almost like a pure breed Lab, don't you think?
Each moment spent with a loved one is like the moment the pup had, lying in the sun on the fluffy green green grass. A feeling of comfort and peace. Content :)
This is the replica of the candle chandeliers they had in the Hagia Sophia Cathedral. The Cathedral is easily one of the most beautiful buildings I have ever seen - even in the state of reconstruction it was in! Despite the 70 odd tourists in the same building complex, there was a calm about the area, unmatched in any other part of Istanbul.
Sharing small everyday things with a loved one switches on a myriad of bulbs in me, each one almost routine, but not a single mundane one unimportant. Many small things that matter to me, that keep me warm inside.
The curved domes of the Sultan Ahmet Mosque, the interior covered entirely by mosaic. Another intiguing thing is that this building has no corners, each angle is rounded. The prevailing hues of blue and gold gives it its alternative name - the Blue Mosque. And apparently it's considered sunnah for a Muslim to pray here. Aside from the central mosques in Mecca, this mosque is another one of the holy centres of Islam, or so a friend told me.
Beauty at a glance, but as we consider each slab of mosaic, we realise that's what we are. Just stone without others around us. And we realise that each of us contribute to make the bigger picture that much more alluring as we reach out to others. Humanity.
Blue sky with distant clouds, the deep blue sea. A view from the grounds surrounding the Hagia Sophia Museum. A warning to the wary, the grounds is extensive and it took us fairly fit individuals a full 10 hrs to complete it without break. There are benches around for people to sit and catch their breath, but we were on a  tight schedule and each wonder had us trotting form one to the next ceaselessly, like workaholics on amphetamine.
The want in us to seek greener pastures. The drive to go the distance and race along to an unknown destination. The stuff of dreams and that which fuels aspirations and consistent hardwork. Ambition. 
We had the chance to take the Bosphorus cruise and view the East and West banks of Istanbul. Surprisingly the cruise is government run and it costed 3 Lira - I think! I cant remember for sure now :P... 3 Lira is approximately 3USD, which works out to about 10bucks of my home currency. Not too steep a price for travelling students I feel :) Each cruise ship had floats lined up one the sides like this one and we saw the remnants of the old forts and watchtowers, the homes of the wealthy, lush greenery that later reminded me of Kerala a bit, and the famous Bosphorus bridge, a picture of which I think we and has to be somewhere in the collection of Istanbul pictures.
For a person afraid of open water, you make me want to jump into the cold waters anyway. Why? You make me feel safe and cared for, that's why. Security.

     The Hagia Sophia Cathedral and the Sultan Ahmet Mosque stand as symbols of religious renaissance in Istanbul. Also The Spice Bazaar, Central Bazaar, lighthouse, Caverna Basilica (which is eerily beautiful!), and the Hagia Sophia Museum are places not to be missed. 
     Will try to dig up some pictures and write another post some time :) 
     Oh and if you're at Istanbul, do walk along the tramline, use the tram with their cute red tokens, try their non-melting icecream, drink their apple tea, and don't forget to try their small ring shaped pastry with kas-kas on it. If you arent a travelling student on a  tight budget, Turkish tapestries and rugs should be on your wish list too :P 
     Turkey is worth the visit..! :)

Thursday, December 09, 2010

The Checklist

Part A: Why relationships suck.
  • \       When A tells you that B’s talking about you, and each day you see B and smile anyways?
  • \       When you still care enough to make decent conversation with B, not because you want to make peace, but because years of companionship has to mean more than all the backstabbing and b*llsh*t-mongering?
  • \       When you’re p*ssed off enough to come up with a dumbass checklist like this one?
  • \       When you’re on auto mode and you listen to how much your loved ones are fed up with their better halves?
  • \       When you know your loved ones’ better halves are wrong, but put in a kind word anyway (a) to make it seem okay and for their peace of mind and (b) you don’t want to be the ‘bad guy’ in their lives?
  • \       When you have to tell them the other half is not worth their effort and tears and you feel like the bad guy nyways?
  • \       When you wake up to go through a routine that has long since ceased to make sense to you?
  • \       When A and B silently hate each others’ guts, and you just want to stay freaking neutral?
  • \       When you realize you’re not a saint either because you have terrible thoughts about A and B and the the whole circus connected to them?
  • \       When you want to sit in the room and not fr*aking talk to anyone because another smile or another snide remark is more than you can take?
  • \       When you wish you had the b*lls and lack of coutesy to bash another’s teeth in for a sarcastic smile/remark, but you don’t?
  • \       When you/others make mistakes and they never let it go?
  • \       When they make mistakes and forget that others have already let go?
  • \       When they go on and on and on about the same crap they’ve been spouting for years, allowing slight variations in the narration for dramatic effect?
  • \       When you hear them say freaking discouraging things about things and people you love?
  • \       When they seem to have forgotten that for some dumba*se reason you always had their back and never let others speak ill of them?
  • \       When you want to ask them to shut the h*ll up because you don’t give a rat’s a*se about who did what and said what?
  • \       When what they say about who said what and did what nags at your mind?
  • \       When you feel like a total retard dealing with f*cking retards the whole day and get that scrunched up feeling in your shoulders?
  • \       When you squint in frustration at a person who either intentionally or unintentionally made your day go from good to bad to worse and then hit rock bottom and even lower?

Part B: Why relationships rock.
  • \       When you get home grumpy, disheartened and there’s a hand that draws you close and kisses your forehead.
  • \       When there’s a friend you can sit next to and discuss things from nuclear fission and bladder catheterization to teletubbies and how cucumbers reproduce to V8 engines and vacuum cleaners.
  • \       When there’s another who wants to sit there next to you and sip steaming tea from the same mug.
  • \       When there’s someone who sees only you in a crowded room.
  • \       When there’s mum and dad and the whole family works.
  • \       When there’s home in a person you love.
  • \       When there’s a person who knows your mum and dad and the whole family works and asks after them.
  • \       When there’s comfort to do everyday small things with another.
  • \       When another wants you to know every small detail of his/her life.
  • \       When you want to hold another person close to make his/her day better.
  • \       When you wake up and you know you fell asleep next to the right person.
  • \       When you know for a fact that for every 500 screwed up relationships, the one right one makes it all worth it.
  • \       When you thank the higher powers for letting you have that one right relationship.
  • \       When you stop worrying and being afraid because there’s a person holding your hand.
  • \       When you hold that person’s hand back.
  • \       When you rant and rave at a person who cares enough to listen?
  • \       When you listen to a friend rant and rave about his/her messed up day.
  • \       When you share the good details of a day and the sh*tty parts don’t seem so big anymore.
  • \       When you share a laugh over a joke and the scrunched up feeling in your shoulder loosens up.
  • \       When you make someone’s frown bumps disappear and make them smile for real.
  • \       When you come up with mushy cr*p like this checklist.

If you have all ticked in Part A and even one ticked in Part B of the checklist, then trust me, you’re doing pretty great :)

Monday, December 06, 2010

Makes Me Laugh Every Single Time :)

Everybody Loves Raymond. One of my best series ever!!Next to the Little Lulu Show. :|... K not true, but Little Lulu IS quite high up on the list of stuff I love watching. Along with Nigella Bites, While You Were Out, Globe Trekker and a whole load more. I'm a TV hog when I get home.. Few things can trump decent TV programmes for me I guess :P

Friday, November 26, 2010


The title says it all. Ggrr...I'm homesick for the people I love.

Sunday, November 21, 2010


It coincides with the 15th day of the Hindu month of Kaarthigai, when the moon is full and the Keerthika star is visible in the night skies, or something along those lines. The astrological part escapes me.
     Mum told me a week back but I forgot completely. Then BB called and it hit me that for the first time in 24 years I wouldnt be vegetarian on this day. A day many non Hindus think is Deepavali but is not, though some consider it an extension. It's a day where Lord Shiva made himself a single speck of light, hence why we worship the flame; a day where six small boys became One for the love of a Mother; a day I find more exciting than Deepavali, more so for it's lowkey home celebration scale.
     I miss running from porch to backyard and making my way up the staircase to the altar to light the little clay lamps we call agal vilakku with my siblings and parents. 

     I miss the small prayer as my eyes take in the myriad of flower offerings at the table which serves as our altar at home.
     I miss running around with a scrap of cloth to dab up oil spills despite the folded layer of paper we place meticulously under each lamp to prevent such things.
     What I would give to sit at home, all lights switched off and just watched the flickering lights in the still humid darkness of the warm tropics.
     What I would give for the small smiles we exchange as we genuflect on our efforts as a team.
     Strangely, I even miss collecting the used lamps and cleaning them up.
     Most of all, I miss celebrating it at home. The memory of last year's Kaarthigai at home is making me smile now, a welcome recluse from the previous 4 years of it practically not being celebrated here away from home. This year I brought the agal vilakku with me and will place one at the doorstep to my room when the sun sets at 4pm.
     Am looking forward to future Kaarthigais with my loved ones.
     Thank you BB, thank you Amma. Happy Kaarthigai to all who celebrate :) 

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Rediscovering A Friend

I haven’t dreamt of you in sometime
And today we spoke as friends
Friends who laughed much over a pint
Expressions that said more than a mime
We have somehow replaced lost time,
With good intentions and a smile
We have rediscovered friendship:
that which was yours and mine.
I used to dream of you for long hours
Times when I walked away and left you there
A recurring nightmare I stole what was ours
And left you alone, confused and bare
Yet today we spoke as friends
Friends who shared more than a pint
And I’m glad we took that step to show we care.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Bowling Philosophy

You know how we bowl side by side, one eye on the scoreboard as we squint down the bowling lane, wondering how many pins will fall to our superior skill? 

What do you think would happen if we stopped bending over and squinting down our respective lanes, and instead of swearing at the ball for 3 whole seconds, we took that time to smile at a fellow bowler, and laughed when the ball went into the drain? Or winked when a fellow bowler got a strike or a spare?

What if we stopped racing, tried not to think of only the final score? What if we bowled just for the fun of it and made friends along the way? 

What if we stopped scrutinising the other's playing technique and just nodded warmly as the other picked up a bowling ball next to us?

What if life was like bowling: its path the bowling lane, fellow bowlers the people we meet along the way, the bowling ball our efforts and work, the pins the returns we get, and the scoreboard our competitive nature? 

What if the act of bowling was bigger than the game? What if living was bigger than being alive?

Saturday, November 06, 2010

Rambles.Race. More Rambles

Yep so I've been thinking, well not actually, I make better decisions when I don't think too much and just go with the flow.

I guess I'm keeping Connections at least till this summer. Once I get my posting I'm pretty certain that all blogging whims will be overruled by the need to get back to my loved ones and get decent rest. I hear residency can be hell... and even if I wished otherwise, blogging will become a thing of the past.This blog has been my constant companion through all sorts of times from 4 yrs ago... I know the posts here begin on Sept 2009, but it's in fact from an older blog that doesn't exist anymore. 

I've realised a few things of late:
-I'm pretty readable with or without the blog
-So what if the facts are laid out for people to see?
-I don't have commitment issues. I have attachment issues. This blog staying on would be an excellent example.
-I think that's all actually :P

And to get to the point of this post:

Ella Wheeler Wilcox

O many gods, so many creeds,
So many paths that wind and wind,
While just the art of being kind
Is all the sad world needs.

That's all we all want and need, isn't it? A bit of kindness.

It has been two months plus since I got back here and lots of things have happened. Things have a way of happening like that I've noticed, whether you expect them to or want them to or not. Another 8 mths till I can go home to people I love and I'm pretty certain this road's gonna be littered with all sorts of random events which make uni life all the sweeter. Four times the current drama looming on the horizon... God give us strength! :P

Right so that didnt make too much sense, but blame it on the slightly sleepy state the food has put me in.

And do you know what's as awesome as loving and caring for someone? It's being loved and cared for in return. Mushiness I know. Just a liddel homesick..

Oh btw, happy belated Halloween and Deepavali to all who celebrate :) Me? I celebrated both :) And erm, focus on the poem, 'cause the rambles wont make sense nyways. It's just an outlet for my slow dribble of thoughts.

Have a great day, all! :)

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Wednesday, October 06, 2010


That basically means non violence... and to me it covers physical, intentional and verbal nonviolence too.

I've been tempted to kill off my blog though... since February actually, after a conversation with an acquaintance who got it into his head that a certain post was about him. The post was subsequently deleted because I got sick of trying to explain myself to someone I couldnt give two figs about. Yep. I'm a horrible person that way.

Back to what I was saying. Blogging was a hobby, a way to connect. Now one year past... it feels like a heavy chain about my neck. People I'm close to, people I barely know, people I would rather keep their distance from me... It hit me that they're getting an insight to me. And I'm not too comfortable with that. I've always been a private person... and to think a person I smile in acknowledgement at but have never had a decent conversation with might know what I had for breakfast this morning is unnerving. Yep. I'm a bit on the paranoid side. Not that I'm being stalked or anything, it's just well, it's me. It's a lot nicer to just blend in and not get too much attention, except from people who really matter...loved ones, family, true friends, you get the picture.

So to kill or not to kill. I don't know. Maybe I just wont post for a bit and take a breather.. too many articles I'm attached to here. Maybe I should just say to heck with it, my blog, my thoughts, so what if some people don't like it... just learn to deal with it? :S

Sigh. Undecided. It's a terrible feeling. I respect people who can make decisions in a split second. Me... it usually takes me longer than the average person. I mean, hello... I've been weighing this relatively simple decision for around 7 months. There are people who decide who they want to live with for the rest of their lives on a first date. There are those who walk away from all worldly possessions to work with gorillas in South Africa. World leaders decide how much to cut carbon emissions by in a matter of days.

But I LIKE blogging. Sigh. Till later then

Saturday, October 02, 2010

The Cab Ride

This includes a number of slangs commonly used back home and is inspired by a friend who was hobbling around on crutches :)

That Friday morning Jarod’s cell phone rang at 6.30 a.m. He had gotten to bed only at 2 after cleaning up the kitchen where his brother had been camped out, working on something called ‘autocad’. Jarod did not know much about computers, he could use one and that was enough for him. His younger brother however was doing engineering and knew computers as well as Jarod knew the backlanes of KL.

Eyes heavy from barely 5 hours of sleep, he blinked a few times as he answered the phone. “Hello?”

“Hi, I got your number from a neighbour, I hope I didn’t wake you?” The voice was hesitant and seemed to belong to girl, probably in her late teens.

“It’s all right, moi.” Jarod wriggled his toes experimentally, trying to wake his sleeping body up.

“Are you free to send me to the hospital, Mr. Tan?”  There was a note of urgency in her voice.

Jarod squinted at the alarm clock on his side table. “Where do you live?” he asked, deciding that he might have enough time to squeeze in one more person before his regular customer, Puan Faira.

“Padang Jawa. My brother…I think he may have broken his leg. How fast can you get here?”

Jarod weighed the options between the highway with the toll charges and the back roads with minimal traffic. 

He sighed a small sigh and concluded that he would have to end up paying the toll-man. This sounded like a real emergency. “Fifteen-twenty minutes, can?”

“Yes. Thank you.” She gave him her home address and hung up.

Jarod washed up hurriedly, scribbled a note for his two siblings, stuck it on the fridge with a magnet, made sure he locked the door to his modest home and jumped into the taxi, dressed in the white shirt and black pants which was the uniform of all taxi drivers like himself.

He was at the house within 25 minutes.

Waiting outside the house were an odd couple: a tall lean man in his late twenties sitting with his legs stretched out in front of him on the porch and a girl in her mid twenties, eyebrows knitted in a worried frown.

Jarod pulled up in front of them and stepped out to open the back door. The man leaned on the girl and he hobbled on his left foot to the opened car door.

“Thanks, man,” he said as he slid inside.

The girl nodded at him and got into the co-driver’s seat. “GH. Take the fastest route, please.”

Jarod nodded back and got behind the wheel and changed his gear and cut out into the road smoothly. The girl looked strangely familiar and he felt puzzled by her voice which sounded much younger than she looked.

He clicked on the indicator and looked left-wards as he tried to cut into the highway traffic that was already building up. As he did so he noticed her uptight manner, her long dark straight eyelashes and the slightly messy ponytail she had pulled her dark hair into in a hurry. She swallowed and he saw the beginnings of a dimple at the corner of her mouth.

“Man, watch it! The motorcyclist!” The injured guy almost yelled from behind.

“Sorry, boss. These motorcyclists ah, they’re a health hazard!” he responded automatically and turned forward to keep his eyes on the road again.

“Maybe you should watch the road and not her.” The man’s eyes flashed with anger in the rearview mirror and Jarod decided it wiser to keep his mouth shut.

Something in the man’s face made him look up twice. There. At the corner of his left eye was a faint scar, a single white line, much like the one on his own face. Subconsciously his left hand went to the scar on his right cheek.

Jarod glanced up again but the man’s face was turned away. “I’m sorry, are you from KL?” he asked over his shoulder.

“How does that matter to you?” The man’s voice was abrupt.

“You just don’t look like a KL-ite,” Jarod said placatingly. “Did you move here from somewhere up north?”

“You ask a lot of questions.” The man’s eyes were narrowed as he stared back at him in the rearview mirror, 
the scar visible once more in his reflection. “This is why I told you I’d drive,” he said at the girl in the front seat.

“With your broken leg?” The girl’s voice was calm.

Jarod’s heart was beating faster. “Kedah? Slim River?” he asked without thinking.

The girl turned to look at him. “Why do you say that?”

“All right, just stop the cab right here. That’s enough. I don’t know who you are but she knows Taekwondo, 
and I have a licensed revolver in this bag right here.” The guy patted a cloth bag they had brought with them.

Jarod could not help grinning. “Yes, yes and your dog’s a Doberman who can follow the scent of my cab, right or not, leng chai?” He turned to the guy in the back seat and pointed at the scar on his cheek, one hand still on the steering wheel. A moment later his eyes were on the road again, but the corners of his mouth were curled up in the beginnings of a smile.

The girl’s eyes widened and became fearful, convinced that they were in the cab of a serial murderer, or stalker or worse. To her utter astonishment she heard a guffaw of laughter from the back, which made her 
turn around to look at her brother.

“How bloody long has it been? Jerry, you ass!” Her brother was doubled over in laughter.

She stared at the taxi driver who was grinning like a madman now.

“You and I are supposed to get married,” he told her, winking.

“What?” was all she could manage. She turned back to look at her brother who had tears in his eyes from laughing so hard.

“Sal, you remember Jerry from primary school, don’t you?” her brother asked, eyes twinkling and ankle pain forgotten.

She shook her head.

“Sure you do, remember the guy I hit with the 7-Up glass bottle? He hit me back, remember? An eye for an eye?”

Sal felt her heart thump against her chest once and she felt her cheeks flush. “Jer? No way…”

The guy behind the wheel was still grinning. “Yes, I’m the one who kissed you and proposed to you la,  before your brother whacked the living daylights out of me, his best buddy.”

“Hey, my body ached for a week after that, all right? Who did the whacking of the daylights out of whom, huh?” Her brother reached forward and slapped the other guy’s shoulder playfully.

Keh-keh! He’s driving!” Sal admonished him.

“Right. I forgot you said ‘yes’ to him. You two always ganged up on me,” her brother replied and leaned back into the seat, eyes crinkled up with laughter.   


Jarod laughed. “OK, OK, you two must come over for dinner tonight. Keith would have just finished his model presentation today and Crystal’s on her school holiday. I cook very well, one.”

“Where are Aunty and Uncle?” Sal asked, without thinking,

“They passed on two years after we moved. Why do you think I’m driving a taxi?” Jarod gave her a half-smile, hoping that his voice did not sound too bitter. He always felt their loss even these many years after the fact.

“I’m sorry,” her brother said, seeing that Sal was at a loss for words. “It must be hard for you.”

“It’s OK. I earn quite well. Enough to put Keith in university and get Crystal things that she wants for school.” He shifted gear and pulled up at the entrance of the reception area of the hospital. “Go ahead, I’ll wait in the canteen till you two finish. Give me a call when you are done.”

“You sure you want to wait, Jerry?” Sal asked, helping her brother out of the back seat.

“Can. No problem, one. Don’t worry.” He gave her a reassuring smile.

The brother and sister got out of the cab and as they walked away, Jarod heard Sal say, “It’s a pity, he was a very good student, wasn’t he, Keh-keh?”

Jarod sighed and pulled out his cell phone and looked for Puan Faira’s number. He was going to have to ask her to take a different taxi to work today.

Word count: 1402 (!!!)
Maybe I should have ended it at at the point marked ‘*****’?

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

One Year Old

This is my blog and today it turns one :) A collection of random events expressed by pictures, words, stories, music, sayings... I moved here exactly one year ago and it has been a journey I'll remember because every post reflects a stage i went through, how i viewed the world around me. Thanks to all of you who've dropped by and added that much more life to Connections :)
                                                    That was one mouth-watering cheesecake...!
Have a nice day, all! :)

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

0412 hrs.

That's the time at home and my mind's filled with just one thought. Sleep tight, you.

Actually I wanted to say that summer was awesome and would like to thank a fellow blogger Sankara, for without his assistance, my trip to Kerala with a loved one would not have been as awesome as it was :)

Till my next post then. I have to add more pictures. Maybe.. Nites, all!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Monday, September 06, 2010


“Ippadi anjukkum pattukum kashtapadam pothu, yen ma kaasu veenakarai?”
(When we are suffering to earn fives and tens, why, my girl, are you wasting money?)
That’s what he said when his daughter came home after watching Toy Story for the second time in the cinema.
The young girl stared at her father as he dropped a coin into the old man’s cup and returned the man’s toothless grin with a smile. “Use money, earn money, share it, value it, no need to hoard it.”

“Amma, there’s this concert that all my school friends are going for.”
She just kept stirring the pot full of sothi. The girl watched her mother and then her heart leapt at the slight nod.
“But first put away clothes you’ve outgrown to give to people who really need them.”

“Can’t we have Nutella, Appa?”
His father frowned but put it into the cart wordlessly. He took the bus to work that day and the boy wondered why.

The girl tried her best to sneak the puppy into the compound, but her mother had already noticed the ragged mongrel.
Her expression unreadable, she watched her youngest sigh as the realization that another mouth to feed in her household was just a bit too much to ask for sank in. The girl tried to shoo the pup away, but suddenly the forlorn creature began wagging its tail.
The small girl turned to see her mother place a bowl full of leftover rice and some chicken on the ground before it. She ran to her mother’s side and smiled up at the face she knew so well. “Thank you, Ammi.”

The old aunty was walking in the hot sun, her gait unsteady and barely holding up the two plastic bags full of groceries.
“Kanna, go help that Aunty.” My mother stood there and I wondered why she was making me go when she could have easily gone herself.
When the old aunty gave me a tight hug and slobbery kiss on my cheek, I almost figured out why she had sent me instead.

“You give me for 12 and I’ll buy.” The girl sighed as her Dad walked out of yet another store after haggling over the price of an item.
“Sir, buy this colour book for your daughter.” The girl looked at the boy slightly older than herself, a peddler on the streets, and wondered if he was OK. She was 8. Colouring book for her? Puh-lease!
Her father was already handing over the money. “Study well, son.”

At times like these it hits me that charity begins at home.

Thursday, August 19, 2010


First off I know I've been MIA and not commenting on your blogs and all. But I'm home and that means little or no spare me time, so bear with me. When I get back to uni I'll catch up on all I've missed. I hope :)

Being home's weird. Hard facts hit home, old friends rediscovered, new friends make waves in our lives. The family never changes at the core though and I like that. That's what coming home means. PEOPLE I belong to. And I've found that I can find that in something other than blood relatives. I'm not too sure what to make of it though.

My family's my family and I've always known they'll be around to catch me and I've never wanted anyone else to cushion any falls before this. Now, I'm afraid that I've become dependent. Yeah, I used the D word. Dependent. And it nags at me.

I've always been me, doing what I want when I want. I'm not a rebel nor a trend-setter. I'm just content to be and believe that in whatever I do, I need to do it right. Now I've begun wondering what THEY think of me. These new people I've become dependent on. And I don't like it.

I'm afraid that these bonds will be severed come a few weeks, coz face it I have massive commitment issues and I know I might end up walking away. I just hope they keep me coming back for more because from where I'm standing right now, the view's pretty good and if I do have to budge, I hope I try to scale this mountain again.

~There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna wanna make it move~ Yep. I was inspired by Hannah Montana. Lolx.

Back to my train of thoughts. Actually winding country road of thoughts would be more appropriate.

I find myself with this insane need to UNDERSTAND people. I know. Knock me flat and call me blind. I've always liked being able to read people, figure out what makes them work. Hence the field I'm in right now. But there've been a couple of people of late where I want to know every single mundane detail. I wish people came in cans with the ingredients written on the label, along with the calorie count. Then I wouldn't become so bloody obsessed with figuring them out and I can go back to being nice old peace-loving garden-weeding couldnt-give-a-damn-bout-who's-not-talking-to-whom me.

Might as well wish I was a crustacean living in the Pacific then, huh?

Bottom line is this. I'm interested, aware of my inability to commit longterm, too curious even for my usual nosiness, annoyed at myself, slightly excited at my non-crustaceanness.What, I cant be all a lump of cynicism, now can I? I need to believe in SOME things.

I believe in NON CRUSTACEANNESS among other things :)

p/s: Crustaceans feature big in my blog, all for different reasons. I'm gonna have to start a label on that soon. Soon-ish

Friday, July 23, 2010

Mum to Daughter

She looked at her daughter and wished for her:
a man who would keep her safe
an inspiration that would help her through her rough days
a friend to laugh and cry with
a shoulder she could lean against
the strength to bear another's burden
someone who would never bring her down
someone who kept her humble
a person who knew right from wrong; who would never cheat or steal
one whose smile would make her daughter grin in return

Most of all, she wished her daughter would find a life partner who would cook, clean and do the laundry for her. Really :)

Sunday, July 11, 2010


You can't really fight it with fire, can you? And if you were gonna fight it with ice, wouldn't you lose your ammunition? And not fighting it aint an option. Maybe we should starve it, decline it of fuel. And keep combustible materials far away. But wouldn't that be morally wrong? Almost inhumane? And why can't we just walk away? Because we're family? Because we're honour-bound? We stick around even when it makes us hurt. Because we have each toher. When one tires, the other steps in. Like the fire-brigade. Except we don't wear uniforms. Then we joke about it over tea, making the gigantimous seem almost trivial. That's just what we do.

Friday, July 02, 2010


They turn your world upside down, but you find you don't mind it that much :)

They have a crazy imagination and you wonder when your own world began shrinking to you and the people around you. Even a speck of dust leaves them amazed.

They tire you out so much you love sleep and bath time :)

That's all for now. Bub bye!!

Saturday, June 26, 2010


Let Go - His
Your smile’s always kind, polite;
Your conversation ceaselessly bright;
When we go out, you’re dressed to the nines;
And your humour is a definite gold mine,
But never once have I seen you let go:
I haven’t yet heard you chuckle or yawn,
Nor have your eyebrows come together in frown;
Your aura always seems a controlled brown,
And the golden halo is your perfect crown;
But I want to watch how you let go:
To dare and be more than society’s norm,
To be a bit crazy and let your hair down;
I’ll stand by you as you let it all go
Because, I only want to know the real you,
Not the shadow propriety can subdue.

Like always, each person gets his and her say for the sake of balance.

Today, Yesterday, Tomorrow - Hers
It felt good to see you again,
You in your T- shirt, its colour a bit waned,
Your humour light, as humble as rain,
Yet there were many things changed:
The way you looked so long at me,
As I searched for the rebel within;
The appreciative slight nod at me,
As you watched me frown, laugh and grin;
We were just not the same, were we?
I have changed you see,
Irrepressible daredevil no longer,
I am not who I used to be,
I am now a very different me.

Gone is the glaring individuality
I’ve become less of an eccentricity.

Experiences gained and friends lost,
Have made me that much more calmer,
Dreams let go off, achievements reached,
Have made me judgemental and stronger,
I’ve been moulded by the passing of time
And assimilated the rest traits you see.
And if you don’t much fancy the new me,
Then do us a favour, leave and let me be
Don’t expect me to turn back the clock for you
I cannot go back to who I once used to be
Or you could just hang around and learn:
To accept me as I am today
To remember what I was yesterday
And dare to stand by me as I grow tomorrow.
So what do you say?

The guy just wanted back the girl he had known and wondered why she would conform to an ideal she had not upheld previously. The girl, apparently not having an answer to that question, is just asking him to go with the flow and see what comes of it for she cannot undo the changes that she has made (has been made?) to herself.

Isn’t conforming part and parcel of everyday life? If not we’d find people walking around with leaves as clothes, using blood to write, sleeping in the bathroom and peeing in the kitchen and only heaven knows what else.

We do it for society, our family and friends, work, strangers, world peace (??) and ourselves. We do it knowingly and unknowingly. I feel Sigmund Freud-ish here.

I mean, all of us are rebels in our own ways, and allowing oneself to fit into society isn’t all that wrong, now, is it?