Pride and Vanity

I want you to know…

There are times you leave me in a quandry

Times when I realize you need more than me

And at those times I cannot explain the unease

The wire-bound tightness in my chest;

The tears of dull-toned hurt that fail to flow;

And the choking breaths that barely escape…

The beating mass in the centre of me,

That pump made of muscle so strong

Is in truth just weak…

The persistent flutters as it yearns too much

To be all that you want, the one thing you need?

That my friend is just pride and vanity

Insecurities

You know the normal story

How he loves you and leaves?

Fights and lies mar the memory

Tears fall for a time so brief?

Then you wake up from the stupor

Heart barricaded, crocodiles fed

Then you wake up from the stupor

Resolute to not be in pain and sad

Then you wake up from the stupor

But the crocodiles have become meaner

You’ve fed them don’t you see,

The unnamed beasts have been fed!

You smile again, survive and dance away,

No mention of crocodiles by any breadth

Brave upfront yet afraid to let ‘em in,

The friends you haven’t met at arm’s length

You laugh and go through the routine…

Until…

One day the meticulous dams break

The fortress falls to ruins over time

Your armour rusts off piece by blasted piece

You let your guard slip, unknowingly perhaps?

And someone makes it in:

A friend you can trust

Someone who cares in too blatant a way

No deception, just plain sincerity

Honesty so painful that the beasts are silenced

And even you begin to think ‘em slain

Then something reminds you they’re there

Watching, waiting, hungry for a morsel…

And yet the friend stays

‘For some crocodiles,’ he says

‘You need to wield the knife yourself

I killed nine of ten

I left you one, just one tiny one

To help you grow, to help you decide

And through it all, I’ll be at your side’

‘So fuck the crocodile,’ I say

‘Let’s go catch that movie at nine’

Rediscovering A Friend

I haven’t dreamt of you in sometime

And today we spoke as friends

Friends who laughed much over a pint

Expressions that said more than a mime

We have somehow replaced lost time,

With good intentions and a smile

We have rediscovered friendship:

that which was yours and mine.

I used to dream of you for long hours

Times when I walked away and left you there

A recurring nightmare I stole what was ours

And left you alone, confused and bare

Yet today we spoke as friends

Friends who shared more than a pint

And I’m glad we took that step to show we care.

Conforming?

Let Go - His

Your smile’s always kind, polite;

Your conversation ceaselessly bright;

When we go out, you’re dressed to the nines;

And your humour is a definite gold mine,

But never once have I seen you let go:

I haven’t yet heard you chuckle or yawn,

Nor have your eyebrows come together in frown;

Your aura always seems a controlled brown,

And the golden halo is your perfect crown;

But I want to watch how you let go:

To dare and be more than society’s norm,

To be a bit crazy and let your hair down;

I’ll stand by you as you let it all go

Because, I only want to know the real you,

Not the shadow propriety can subdue.

Like always, each person gets his and her say for the sake of balance.

Today, Yesterday, Tomorrow - Hers

It felt good to see you again,

You in your T- shirt, its colour a bit waned,

Your humour light, as humble as rain,

Yet there were many things changed:

The way you looked so long at me,

As I searched for the rebel within;

The appreciative slight nod at me,

As you watched me frown, laugh and grin;

We were just not the same, were we?

I have changed you see,

Irrepressible daredevil no longer,

I am not who I used to be,

I am now a very different me.

Gone is the glaring individuality

I’ve become less of an eccentricity.

Experiences gained and friends lost,

Have made me that much more calmer,

Dreams let go off, achievements reached,

Have made me judgemental and stronger,

I’ve been moulded by the passing of time

And assimilated the rest traits you see.

And if you don’t much fancy the new me,

Then do us a favour, leave and let me be

Don’t expect me to turn back the clock for you

I cannot go back to who I once used to be

Or you could just hang around and learn:

To accept me as I am today

To remember what I was yesterday

And dare to stand by me as I grow tomorrow.

So what do you say?

The guy just wanted back the girl he had known and wondered why she would conform to an ideal she had not upheld previously. The girl, apparently not having an answer to that question, is just asking him to go with the flow and see what comes of it for she cannot undo the changes that she has made (has been made?) to herself.

Isn’t conforming part and parcel of everyday life? If not we’d find people walking around with leaves as clothes, using blood to write, sleeping in the bathroom and peeing in the kitchen and only heaven knows what else.

We do it for society, our family and friends, work, strangers, world peace (??) and ourselves. We do it knowingly and unknowingly. I feel Sigmund Freud-ish here.

I mean, all of us are rebels in our own ways, and allowing oneself to fit into society isn’t all that wrong, now, is it?

A Reason

This is for you guys at home.

My family, My Pillow

And I’d take the mighty moments of crazies,

With the bits of peace interspersed between,

I’ll also cherish the worrying parents,

And hold close to heart my protective siblings,

I’d gather the habits of all their lifetimes,

The good, ignorant, pleasant and the mean,

And would keep them under my little pillow,

The place each day upon which I choose to lean:

My spring of solace and determination,

That which fuels each day the fight in me;

My haven of comfort; the many moments of glee;

You hold up my aspirations, wishes and dreams,

With eternal hope that in the blackest night gleams…

Thank you for caring to bear the weight of me,

Do move over, let me too your pillow be!

Happy Fathers’ Day, Appa. Had it not been for you I wouldn’t have known what ‘acceptance’ means.

Happy Fathers’ Day to Annai, Attan and all other Dads out there too! :)

p/s: I used to be cynical about celebrating Mothers' and Fathers' and Valentines' Day and all those other days that so many of us think is 'commercialised' and 'cheesy'. Perhaps they are commercialised and cheesy, but they don't mean any less to me, because at the very least they give us a reason to be nicer to each other on these days.

That's what I think the world sorely needs... more reasons to be nice to each other.

Hope you guys have a great week ahead! :)

Too Close At Arm's Length

If your head is right above mine,

Then you’re standing too close to me,

If your hand is almost touching mine,

You’re there again, too close to me,

It makes me squirm, thoughts in my mind,

Would spell out something really fine,

They’d say: Back out of my face and let me be,

Because I hate the way you make me feel.

The look in your eyes makes my innards squeal,

A silent protest when your presence violates me.

Stay away, and do keep a safe distance;

You disgust me, for you I would not give a pittance!

I know your type, all charming and leery,

And I don’t have the time to be cheery,

Stay away and do keep a safe distance,

You make me sick, like a rabid dog all flea bitten. 

I realise the language in this is a bit harsh, but I’m not gonna make excuses coz I’ve written it almost

exactly like I felt it, perhaps I even made it a little milder…:l

And I know my posts have been somewhat dark. I’m working on getting my inner sunshine back, but till

then, please, bear with me, aite? :)

Dates and Celebrations

I used to have a little piece of paper in my sizable clutch on which I would scribble important dates, mostly birthdays and anniversaries. I haven’t updated that scrap in sometime because:

1.     1. I somehow always forget to write down the dates

2.     2. I depend ever more on my phone reminders and calendar with cute little cake icons in the corner

3.     3. Facebook’s all I need to remember birthdays – the reminders, the recent comments and shoutouts on the  

           home page

4.     4. Friends and family who blog usually give me a heads up about upcoming important dates

5.     5. My memory has been pretty good to date *touch wood*

Unfortunately, as grouchy as I can get, my social circle’s expanding and as much as I’d like to deny it, I’m getting older and you know what they say about women: once we hit the midtwenties, our hips grow inversely to our memory power i.e. the hips whooooossshhh outward and memory capacity pretty much hits rock bottom. I’m going to need a proper organizer sometime – that sometime is probably not too far off I suspect – because I just forgot a loved ones’ birthday. I know. Evil.

Wonderful. Now I can look forward to getting hippy. Not hippie. But am still banking on my genes and hoping that senility and portliness don’t get to me. Ever. Yes, I’m in denial of the potential future. It happens.

Denial --> Anger --> Bargaining --> Depression --> Acceptance

The above is the stages of death. Death of my once-exceptional memory and never-before-this wide hips. And I’m only at denial. It’s gonna be a LOOONNNNGGG road before I stop harping on this. My dwindling cognitive abilities and possible future weight issues. Still nonexistent for now. I think :S

Oh yeah. Happy Mothers’ Day by the way. This is one of the few celebrations that make sense to me, because where would we be without our mothers? 

A kink in the clouds lets the sun through

The same skies that smile upon you too

The murky greys always seem more blue

Every time I get to talk to you, it's true...

The cursive writing on that shiny paper

Filled my heart with joy, eyes with water,

A note from beyond made my day brighter.

For as much as we argue and bicker,

And think each other impossible in anger,

Nobody else knows me better.

I love you and miss you, Amma. Happy Mothers' Day!! To Pi and Vans too, of course :) 

"God could not be everywhere at once, and so He made mothers" 

I've always liked that quote....and so I'm quoting it! :D

Conditional Love ;)...Earth Hour Reminder

I assure you I am not becoming all sentimental suddenly, I just think this is cute... and also because unconditional love is so rare, I just wanna remind you guys that we still have conditional love to fall back on - as a sort of back up if you will, and that it aint half bad :)
Conditional Love – Girl’s Take

Don't judge me by the pretty dress I wore, 

or that line of blue over the mascaraed eye

Don't remember my poise and gait, 

nor the giggle as you walked me to my door

Think instead of when we fought, 

my face scary and scrunched up in anger

Remember the green of spinach between my teeth, 

and how when we yawned, I yawned louder.

If you can think of me sitting in my PJs, 

hair not combed (and chewed nails to boot) 

and not have to suppress a shudder;

If you don't close your ears when I sing in the shower,

But care enough when I don’t always do what’s right, 

I might just have to give you more than my number

Conditional Love – Guy’s Take

When I say I’m tired, I need a break

It usually means time with the guys,

Don’t get angry and throw a crazy fit,

Loving me was never meant to be a piece of cake.

If I’m glued to the PC, on WoW or DOTA,

Or even if I’m just being a tech freak’s freak,

Please, don’t ask me to do the dishes or laundry

Feed me, clothe me and mother me a bit

Don’t however treat me like a kid

I don’t mind driving you to the grocery store,

But let us get this one thing clear:

When you say you’ll only be a minute and nothing more

I won’t bother to look for proper parking,

And trust me, I’d rather wait in the car

I love my car, my cell, sports, fast food and TV,

And don’t mock my skills with a wrench and hammer,

I assure you I also know my way

around a broom, mop and vacuum cleaner,

But most of the time I think ‘Why bother’!

I too can commit and that know you know

But don’t expect a helpless romantic

Or my pals will kill me, baby, I’ll be a social goner.

I thought women were 

suppo

sed to be the one

s with the word power and more complaint

s? Who would have thought, eh? ;) Though the girl doe

s do a better job at rhyming :D

   Al

so wanted to remind you guy

s that today we've got Earth Hour happening, and regardle

s

s if your area i

s participating or not, each of u

s can do our part

s by 

switching unnece

s

sary electrical appliance

s during thi

s time to cut carbon emi

s

sion

s. If you'd like that i

s :) Heaven know

s my laptop could do with a break and maybe during thi

s time I can get 

some much needed 

shut eye!