Giving

Christmas is less than a week away and the season of giving has already started.

There were clothes' donations, meal sharing, and advice-giving sessions all around this past week plus and I'm wondering when it'll stop. Talk about being a kill-joy =P

I actually enjoy the material goods sharing part and the getting together and bonding, but the ADVICE has to stop, man. They probably mean well, these friends of mine, but well, they don't have a clue what they are talking about.

It'll be all right if the advice was given to me alone, but it was done in a room FULL of people (OK, maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration there....=P). I appreciate the gesture, don't get me wrong, but as a friend I know says, one must 'ada hati' to take the next step.

Not to mention, there were some not too subtle moments in the wee hours of this morning where I wanted to stick my head into the ground like an ostrich out of sheer embarrassment. Oh, my God! Friends from hell... hehe... I still love you guys, though!

Yeah well, all that aside, to apologise or not to apologise, that is the question.

Considering how it's the season of giving and all that, I should just do that - apologise and make things right again. I'd actually rather just avoid the person involved for eternity but that's what a bloody13-yr-old would do.

Hence, here I am, giving myself the courage to do this right and move on with life. In this season of giving, I'm giving myself the gift of emotional freedom and honesty. What are YOU giving yourself?

Cooking vs. Starving

I like cooking. Cutting vegetable, onions, garlic and what-not is very structured and when I'm under pressure, i appreciate the routine. The cooking, which is an 'art of dumping everything within reach into the pot' is a vent for emotions and washing up later is satisfying, it gives me a sense of accomplishment. That was a month ago..

Haven't been cooking lately.

Probably coz after 3 plus weeks at home, i find my own food inadequate.

The taste of my mum's food, no matter how simple, always lingers in my palate long after the last morsels have taken their journey of ultimate destruction down my alimentary tract. I don't know how she does it but she must have magic at her fingertips coz after her food, even a dreary day has rainbows and chirping sparrows in it! really!

What i'd give for rasam, fried fish wid spinach and grated carrots prepared by my mother's very small hands right now...mmmm!

Cooking. I'll have to learn how to enjoy all over again now or i'll be starving this winter! =P

Moving

'All my bags are packed, i'm ready to go..." =)

I am finally moving and i'm kinda sad. i'll miss this floor wid all the people i bump into in the corridor and chat to while i do my dishes or stir my latest dish on the stove in the common kitchen. The four flight of stairs i walk up and down everday, the 'olga' and larissa mammas who sit at the kiosk and smile patiently as they try to understand my broken russian everytime i run out of water/groceries - they will all be lost in my memories wid time once i move and i dont like that..

this hostel is nice, fewer ppl i know, fewer ghost stories..hehe.. but change is inevitable.

i'm moving - to a place closer to all d ppl i know, closer to the eating places on campus, and the one-stop centre to call home n buy prepaid internet credit. i shud be happy and yet i'm not as happy i shud be. i've been here these past 3+ years and the familiar sights and smells have grown on me.

the move seems like such a big thing and it's eating up all my time n energy. i'm finally sitting down here, but tomorrow is another day of hauling bags against the chilly pre-winter wind to my new home for these final 2 years and i'm praying that god gives me the strength to pull through tomorrow and blesses the new home for my roomie n myself.

feeling a bit tired n

sorry for myself - pathetically - because this 'move' has been looming over us these past 2 months. Just wanna get it over with, but still gotta do it right!

but beyond all that i still have my good friends i can depend on to brighten up my day - 7 memories =) - n my family, which change as it does while i'm away, stil gives me the sense of coming home everytime i talk to or see them.

They say home's in one's heart and i know that even if i change addresses, deep down inside, my home has not changed..

so i AM moving, but my home's still the same =)

The Wonders of The Brain

Well, i've finally closed my friendster account! Blogs that have a special place in my heart/mind/whatever la... have been faithfully copied n pasted here, but i'm deviating. I wanted to spout nonsense 'bout the power of the mind.

It was weird. My friend has a cloth hairband she loves and one morning, she was hunting for it high and low. We went over what she had done the previous day and frankly we were amazed at how much we were able to recall. Our memory worked backwards from her putting her keys on the study table after entering the room, a white baby T she had been wearing as she sat at the computer (FB-ing no doubt), the three mugs of coffee I had forgotten to make even after setting the water to boil. She mentioned the smell of the coffee that i eventually made and we also both remembered the Arabic ringtone of somebody passing outside the door. We could even recall the conversation we had had almost word for word!

Even with all that blinding brain power, we still could not place the elusive cloth head band =P

Before you smack your head with your palm or hoot with derisive laughter, allow me to explain. You see, our fabulous neurons could not locate that blasted piece of decorative headwear because it was a third person who had moved it - and she had thrown it away!

What transpired after that involved 3 girls, a blue bag and lots of soap, but that's a tale for another day.

The moral of my inane ramblings is this : It's funny what the mind recalls, we just never realise what we are taking in.

Academicians have suggested a 'recalling therapy' where after a long exhausting day, the person is supposed to write down what he or she did/saw/heard/smelt all through out the day. It supposed to help ease tension, calm your nerves and increase memory power - things that we really need to survive in today's fast paced world. Just thought that i should share it with you guys =)

Pulling Through

How many times do I do this?

My heart is in tatters,

My tears are mere whispers,

Looking for another reason to smile from within.

A smile from within seems out of reach,

I scrub, i clean, i cookand wash,

I’ve yet to find my inner smile,

Though many a time i’ve gone the extra mile.

Love is a fairytale,

A lore of old that i’ve outgrown,

Blindfolded we try to pin on the donkey’s tail,

some get it right, others don’t

i don’t wish to play this game anymore.

I’m looking for a way out,

A way to find myself again,

innocence lost, happiness submerged,

I want to earth them all out again!

I’m pushing, i’m fighting,

And as i do my arms grow weary,

The waves and current guide me,

Carry me in gentle waves to the shore.

Now my chest is heaving,

My breath rumbles within,

I am gasping for golden air.

A gentle breeze touches my cheek,

The smell of grass and lavender ease my pain,

The call of a friend lifts the shroud,

I am home at last.

The innocence remains lost,

The submerged happiness a lesson learnt,

In their place is wisdom, love and God,

In their place is me, changed somewhat,

In their place is me, with the same bruised heart,

But I am whole, and i am home,

Thank you, dear God

Forks in the Road

We actually used to be friends. That’s what i thought as i looked at pictures of people i used to spend hours a day with, people whom i still think about off and on but nonetheless have become almoststrangers over time and distance.

It’s a peculiar feeling when i can have so many memories with a bunch of people and yet feel as cut off from them as i did just minutes ago, browsing through pictures on Facebook. I have a different life now, as do they and we’ve all changed in innumerable ways that make us so very different from the bunch that played and sang and fought together.

Yet something holds us together still.

We had traveled along the same path until we hit a fork in the road, each taking a different path. Along the way, we made even more choices, each decision indelibly and irrevocably forcing us apart, till we can hardly recognise each other today.

And when we bump into each other, we manage a smile and small talk. Neither once-friend implies at the existence of an invisible wall between each other. We laugh, swap stories and make some morememories. At the end of it, we go back to our current lives,subconsciously happy to be able to stop the reminiscing, which while holds a bitter-sweet taste is still simply impractical to hold on to too tightly. Grabbing handfuls of memories is like holding hot cinder, you’ll only burn your hands, hurt your pride and not be able to work for your daily loaf of bread ?

Yet, we look forward to these meetings, wondering who and what still hold sway over our heart strings.

They are the people who have helped us become who we are and may well help define who we will become. That was why i clicked that link to those fateful pictures on Facebook, thus provoking this piece of uttermushiness.

While i’m in my few minutes of thinking of the people who have walked in and out of my life, allow me to say that i wish the best of all things to come your way. If , no, when i lose myself in some mundane taskafter this, my wish becomes no less sincere. I’m still hoping for the happiness, success and inner tranquility of all the individuals i’ve ever had the privilege of calling friend.

This blog goes out to friends everywhere who have helped each other grow, through the good and the bad. Just like in my other blog article ‘magic’, i dedicate this article to my family and friends, in whatever corner of the world you may be in! =)

A Passion For Languages =)

I like languages. I speak a couple fluently and a few more.. hehe.. let’s just say that I know mere spatters of them =)

Well, what’s brought about this craze for languages? I don’t know. I think it’s an expansion of my curious palate.

Once upon a time I believed strongly that a window into a culture of the world was their cuisine. I was right and wrong it seems. Eating twenty different kinds of pasta make you understand the Italian culture and lifestyle to a ceratin extent but it is limited. Severely limited.

So, I started picking up different languages. The words sometimes just dont roll off my tongue and the stress, phonetics and intonations which i spout at times is enough to crack the native speakers up.. haha.. but I’m trying.

What’s surprising is that in many different languages, there are words that sound similar, differing sometimes by a single vowel or none at all! It makes me wonder if those crazy linguists out there are actually correct.

Could all the languages of the human actually have evolved from one common stem over these centuries of civilisation?

Could these languages which we see as barriers between different races actually hold the key to finding similar ground?

Hmm.. I wonder =) So, for now, I guess i’ll just continue gabbing in whatever language suits my fancy. I’m working on it anyway!

My English, Malay, Tamil, n Hindi arent that bad but Russian, Japanese, Cantonese, Spanish, sign language (seriously…) n lately Korean just seem to elude me.

And no, my studies don’t require wide linguistic capabilities. It actually requires simple sentences so that we don’t end up losing our patients along the way =P

What's in a Name?

‘A rose by any other name would smell as sweet’. So said Shakespeare and if that man were alive, I might just strangle him him with my bare hands for lately, I’ve come to believe that a name might mean more than that playwrite ever imagined.

I’ve been called lots of names, nice ones and not so nice ones, and these names provide a link to the other person. It reflects to a certain extent the relationship two people share. It shows a certain casualness, a joking nature, a hint of affection, a shard of annoyance and so much more. The latest thing that I’ve been referred to as, maybe not intentionally, is an echo. For me to be an echo to anything in anyone’s past, present or future is distressing and I suggest they put up good sound absorbers. I’m carrying enough blame and guilt to last me a lifetime, so please, move on and stop dwelling on ‘what if’s.

I realise how abrupt and painful this may be to read but I really don’t know any other way to phrase it. I am sorry.

I’m not asking to be forgiven, or for a space in your life again. I’m asking you to be all right and move on for I have never ever wished otherwise. I’m hoping and praying for your happiness.

What’s in a name indeed. Ol’ Shakespeare had no clue.

EXILE

It’s been 3 years and I’m still not used to it. Living in a foreign land with people who barely speak the same language, miles away from where I wish I could be, I still don’t like this place.

The food’s crap, the weather’s nuts and life is just bloody monotonous out here. Sure it’s all about me here, what I wanna eat or where I wanna go, but truth be told, I’d rather my life be about others. No, I’m not a saint. It’s just the way life is. Living for just yourself will eventually kill your will to fight.

That being said and done, this could be one of the better things to happen to me. I’ve learned lots of things, and I’m not just talking about the textbook stuff, and I’m still learning I guess - the ongoing lesson of getting through today, making the most of it and looking forward to tomorrow, which is a little closer to where I wanna be =)

I guess, for a while longer, I shall be just another exilee - if such a word exists! Till the time that I may return home, I’ll probably be here, blogging during my free moments =)

Swearing

Swearing.Swearing is such a controversy. Swearing to speak the truth obliges you to do so, swearing to stand by a person in good times and bad can sometimes be a pain in the neck, and swearing to never make the same mistake again, well, that’s just a lie because we’re bound to repeat the same mistakes over and over again - statistically at least.

That brings us back to swearing. Swearing in our daily conversations may seem ‘cool’ to some of us out there but i just don’t agree. I think it’s kind of boring. Think of how many alternatives to s*** and f*** there are. Expand your vocabulary and outlook. You could call a person a ‘polar bear’ and mean ‘a*** hole’ =) But i do get it. There’s something intensely satisfying of hurling out a swear word from the depths of your being - it releases all the pent up frustration and ire you’ve been suppressing for only heaven knows how long.

So, i’m not saying that swearing (on both accounts) is bad, i’m just saying that promises and curses should be done in moderation, and only when strictly necessary.

So, swear? ;O)

Calling In The Physician

He is ill again. I watch him sadly as his speech slurs and his focus blurs. My baby of only slightly more than two years is ill and I have to call the physician in.

As I wait helplessly I remember the good times and bad we’ve shared - my baby and I. He’s made me laugh and yell in frustration. The companionship between him and I was awkward at first and later blossomed into a need. Maybe I’ve hung on to him for too long.

A soft knock on the door jerks me out of my reverie. The physician stands at the door, a tall, lean man with intelligent eyes.

"This way. I’ve tried everything," I try to explain as I show him to where my baby lay.

The physician merely nods understandingly. He examines my baby with furrowed brows. "It’s a virus. Many others are infected as well." He leaves it hanging and I feel a hand closing about my heart.

My heart constricting with fear I can barely speak. I look at the tall man, hoping against hope.

From his bag he takes out a silver box. "There’s an antivirus program that I have. So far, it’s worked."

The fear in my heart abates a bit as he connects his magical silver box to my baby and tranfers a software. I thank him and see him to the door. Here I am now. Waiting. Hoping that my baby will be all right.