ikan bakar - fish grilled in banana leaves, covered in spicy marinate

Rathi was not sure why she was there. She knew she liked spending time with him, he had the right balance of light hearted humour and awkward charm. She knew she liked sharing odd details with him. She also knew of his taste in girls and that she was nowhere near that range.

She stared at a back that was becoming fast becoming familiar to her. He had his blazer off and was wearing a light blue work shirt with small white stripes. Rathi looked away and waited for him to take the escalator down one floor to where she stood – Baskin Robbins.

“I should play it cool,” she thought to herself and decided she would be all grown up about it. Instead she turned and smiled as he walked along the row of shops towards her. She did not realize it then but she was smiling for a good five minutes, taking in his slightly rolling gait, the slight stubble and his loafers.

“So what’s the plan?” he asked as he walked up to her.

“Dinner would be good,” Rathi said a bit stupidly. “Ikan bakar?” she added quickly, trying to save a measure of dignity.

“Ok, suggestions as to where? The best ikan bakar I know of is right here in this mall.” His smile was slow and Rathi was pretty certain he had no clue as to what it was doing to her insides. At least she hoped he did not.

“There’s this place in Damansara. I think. Went there once and I’ve yet to find a place better than that. How? Ok ah?”

James shrugged. “The thing is I parked over at the Gardens. You don’t mind the walk, do you?”

Rathi laughed. “Sure beats taking the commuter.”

They walked along, chatting about nothing much in particular. They spoke about Baskin Robbins and about how he once donned a pink hairband and another friend flashed a pink bra to get the Wednesday discount and Rathi wondered in a small corner of her mind if she had ever owned a pink bra.

Then they got to the car park and James was frowning. “I think I parked on this side,” he said a bit hesitantly and led the way up the ramp and then stopped short. The look on his face as he turned around was so comical it made Rathi laugh in bed for months to come. “The car’s on the other side.” They walked back down the ramp and took the ramp leading to the oppsite side of the car park.

James tried to keep a straight face but he could see the flicker of a laugh on the face of the small woman he was with. He led her to his pride and joy, a red Ford, as old as him, but somehow intimately connected to each of his phases of life. He watched as she pressed her hand against the windshield at a McD’s drivethru sticker.

“So you have this and have yet to stick your roadtax, eh?” she asked quizzically.

“A man’s gotta get his priorities in life right, you know?” James grinned as she laughed a most unladylike laugh and told her a patchy history of his Ford and how it had covered 1000km within the KL-selangor radius within a week more than once.

Rathi smiled and inside she wondered again why he went through so much of trouble for other people and why they hardly knew anything about him as a person. Everything people had said about him being a lady’s man could be true, but all she saw was a pretty normal guy who she liked whiling away the hours with.

She noticed his firm grip on the steering, the relaxed manner with which he shifted gear. She blinked a bit and turned to look out of the window to stop herself from staring and remembering ridiculous details like his stubby fingers with squarish nails or the strong chin or short thick eyelashes.

“Ok so we’re at Damansara uptown, now where is it?”

Rathi squinted at the buildings. “This is where Farah works and did you know 99 Speedmart has the cheapest milk powder?” Saying that she kicked herself inwardly. Way to go to impress a guy, talk grocery shopping list with him. “Let me get the directions, ok? I know there’s a Famous Amos shop opposite the hawker centre.”

James frowned a bit as she asked for directions and grinned when she said she had directed him to the wrong place. They were supposed to go to SS2.

“Oh my God, did you just get me lost in my own backyard? The irony…” the melodrama in his voice made them laugh. He pulled over to the side of the road and Rathi watched as he determinedly tapped on his phone screen and GoogleMapped the hawker centre.

Twenty minutes later they were seated under the KL sky, yellow bulbs shining overhead as they tucked into ikan bakar, claypot chicken rice and popiah nyonya. She remembered his need to drown the fish in sambal and his ironic humour as he recounted work to her. They laughed over common friends and how their friends were convinced that something was up between the two of them.

As James laughed it off, Rathi told him how he was supposedly dating two other women at the same time, all mere speculations and how she had told a friend that it was his life and he could date whomever he fancied. She listened as to how he had developed feelings for one and was best friends with the other. She remembered how each guy friend she had ever known had fallen head over heels for both of these girls. Rathi looked down a bit self-consciously at her yellowed nails; yellowed from the saffron she had rubbed into the fish she had cooked earlier in the day. She could feel her appetite lessening as he described how those two girls were every guy’s dream girls and Rathi was enthralled. “So that was definitely his type of girl, eh?” she thought to herself.  

“So leaving on Wednesday, huh?” his sudden question brought her out of her reverie.

“Yup,” she replied, nodding. “It has been a good summer, you’ve made it a bit more interesting.”

James’ expression was unreadable as they drove back. They were racing against the clock as he had an appointment with his mother. His phone rang and he picked up.

“Which girl you with now?” Rathi could hear his mother ask teasingly on the phone. “Amma will be a bit late, Aiya,” she heard her say.

“It’s OK, Amma, I’ll just hang out with my friend a bit longer.” Saying that he hung up, smiled at Rathi and made a U-turn at the traffic light. “Let’s maximize our time together, shall we?”

Rathi laughed and wondered if he knew how charming his subtle wit was. They drove back to PJ and swapped stories on PJ outings, his more social oriented, Rathi’s a bit more commonplace.

“You do realize we’re going around this roundabout for a second time, right?” Rathi pointed out.

“Ah, damn, you noticed,” his voice was light. “It’s just nice, driving around, I do it at times.”

“Indicator’s still on,” Rathi said and smiled at the flash of annoyance in the corner of his eye. It felt shockingly comfortable, spending time with this person she was just getting to know.

His phone rang again. He was to go get his mum in fifteen minutes.

The drive back was relatively silent, each lost in thought.

“The white gate,” Rathi said, aware that she might never see him again. “Thanks for dinner, twas good.”

He held out his hand. “I’ll see you around, then.”

Rathi stared at that hand for a while then smiled and reached out for an awkward half hug. She felt the slightest sense of relief as he hugged her back and then they drew apart and she opened the door. She was about to close it again, but then bent down and said seriously, “You still owe me Vitagen you know, I guessed your passion for cars and interest in photography without even knowing you.”

His slow smile wreaked the same havoc on her insides and she gripped the car door a bit more firmly. “You should have reminded me, next time OK?”

Rathi nodded, not trusting herself to answer.

She closed the door and waved. The car did not move. She sighed. He was obviously one of the few guys left that wouldn’t leave until she was safe inside the house. She locked the gate and watched the red car move away.

“Hi, Farah,” she said a bit listlessly, suddenly feeling empty. “Gonna change.” Rathi went into her room and sat on the edge of her bed. So what if she did not see him anymore, she would still try and keep in contact with him. Being his friend was all she wanted, right? Not like he would look at her in any other way. But why had he made that U-turn and that unneeded roundabout circling? What was that? Was that how he was with all the girls? Rathi shook her head.

“Stop over analyzing. He’s being a friend, hopefully enjoying your company as much as you enjoy his,” she muttered under her breath. She giggled as she remembered how she had gotten a hug back.

45 minutes later she dialed his number. “Back home safe?” she asked him.

“Yup, made it just before the weekend jam. What’s plans for the night?”

They kept talking for a while more and as they shared stories and she told him how she was checking out his ex-girlfriends, he wondered what was going on. He decided he’d just go with the flow. After all she was leaving in a few days, and she was the nerd of the group. No way in hell she was developing an attachment for him. She had already established that she did not believe in relationships and had even ‘promoted’ one of her childhood friends as someone he should consider for a serious relationship. Serious relationship. Like he needed one right now. Or ever.

Somehow Rathi’s direct interest in him had a sort of magnetic pull. There was no guile there, at least none he could sense. She was a strange person, hardly the run of the mill girl people fell for. Eh wait what was he thinking. He smiled and went to do his laundry, trying to understand why Rathi kept talking to him or texting him or why he did the same. Boredom, perhaps?

The next morning when he woke up, he looked at his phone. No text message yet. Then his phone vibrated. It was from Rathi. He smiled as he read the message. It was nice to have a friend by him day in and day out. He remembered telling her how he had not texted or called anyone this much since his last relationship. He remembered how he had said it in passing but had looked at her for a response.

It would never work, whatever it is they were playing at. But for as long as it made them both happy, he’d keep at it. It was not as if either of them was looking for anything serious.

Prologue: James and Rathi are currently dating, nothing serious, just taking things as they come. But they’ve worked out a confidant system and have reached the you-annoy-me-lah stage and are still there in each other’s faces day in and day out. Neither one believes in relationships up till today.

*disclaimer: similarities to real events and people living or dead is almost purely coincidental

Bear :)

from http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/funnypictures/ig/Funny-Global-Warming-Pictures/Polar-Bear-Global-Warming.htm

All my hairs stood on end and that was saying much as there is a reason people call me the Bear, and it has nothing to do with my low scratchy voice.. :-|

The air was thick with moisture and I watched in bemusement as the air fogged up as I spoke to my cousins. The tea plantations were a shade of green I have never seen before and there was a sweetish odour to the air, quite unlike the processed tea leaves I had been so accustomed to.

As my mother and uncles reminisced, pointing out places where they had made memories during their childhoods, as they recalled their Father and how he had been a man of standards, I felt a bit more proud of my family. I mean how many families took the effort to organize an outing on a frequent basis like we did? At a time when family values were being queried, I could be certain that I come from a background that reassures me that family is the core of a person’s being.

Then my phone beeped. It was a message: Wer bear voice.. Three words spoke volumes. It hit me that as much as my family needed me, there was another soul out there, quite unconnected by blood, that for reasons I’ve yet to fathom has formed an attachment to me.

Twenty minutes later as we stopped for lunch, I excused myself and called that other soul. As much as she made it clear that she needed me and wanted me in each part of each day, I do too. For only God knows what reason, we’ve become a part of each other’s lives. Sometimes I feel she believes she’s already family, but I always knew she was a little strange even before I started dating her :P

By the way, this was when I was at Camerons ;)

- by a Beary Cold Guest Writer

Pride and Vanity

I want you to know…

There are times you leave me in a quandry

Times when I realize you need more than me

And at those times I cannot explain the unease

The wire-bound tightness in my chest;

The tears of dull-toned hurt that fail to flow;

And the choking breaths that barely escape…

The beating mass in the centre of me,

That pump made of muscle so strong

Is in truth just weak…

The persistent flutters as it yearns too much

To be all that you want, the one thing you need?

That my friend is just pride and vanity

Insecurities

You know the normal story

How he loves you and leaves?

Fights and lies mar the memory

Tears fall for a time so brief?

Then you wake up from the stupor

Heart barricaded, crocodiles fed

Then you wake up from the stupor

Resolute to not be in pain and sad

Then you wake up from the stupor

But the crocodiles have become meaner

You’ve fed them don’t you see,

The unnamed beasts have been fed!

You smile again, survive and dance away,

No mention of crocodiles by any breadth

Brave upfront yet afraid to let ‘em in,

The friends you haven’t met at arm’s length

You laugh and go through the routine…

Until…

One day the meticulous dams break

The fortress falls to ruins over time

Your armour rusts off piece by blasted piece

You let your guard slip, unknowingly perhaps?

And someone makes it in:

A friend you can trust

Someone who cares in too blatant a way

No deception, just plain sincerity

Honesty so painful that the beasts are silenced

And even you begin to think ‘em slain

Then something reminds you they’re there

Watching, waiting, hungry for a morsel…

And yet the friend stays

‘For some crocodiles,’ he says

‘You need to wield the knife yourself

I killed nine of ten

I left you one, just one tiny one

To help you grow, to help you decide

And through it all, I’ll be at your side’

‘So fuck the crocodile,’ I say

‘Let’s go catch that movie at nine’

Istanbul and Me

Hi all :) Been some time since i read a decent blog, much less posted one. Been kinda preoccupied, my apologies. Nyways, here I am, 6 days into my winter hols, uploading a few pictures from our 3-day transit in Istanbul on the way home last summer. Just to add a dimension to it, am tacking on some feelings to each image.

An old tree in the Hagia Sophia Musuem. A lot of wonder and enthusiasm was poured into Ottoman relics and bejeweled daggers and teapots (yes, there was a ruby inlaid teapot), but just as much amazement and awe was found in this tree, hollow inside, yet still providing shade. 

When I see you with another, this is is how I feel. Like there's something gnawing at me from the inside out, but yet I stand there, unwilling and unable to move. Jealousy and Commitment.

A pup on the grounds of the Sultan Ahmet (Blue) Mosque. I come from a Muslim country and transiting in yet another Muslim country, I was touched to see the casual passerby feed stray dogs and cats alike. And shockingly, the stray looks almost like a pure breed Lab, don't you think?

Each moment spent with a loved one is like the moment the pup had, lying in the sun on the fluffy green green grass. A feeling of comfort and peace. Content :)

This is the replica of the candle chandeliers they had in the Hagia Sophia Cathedral. The Cathedral is easily one of the most beautiful buildings I have ever seen - even in the state of reconstruction it was in! Despite the 70 odd tourists in the same building complex, there was a calm about the area, unmatched in any other part of Istanbul.

Sharing small everyday things with a loved one switches on a myriad of bulbs in me, each one almost routine, but not a single mundane one unimportant. Many small things that matter to me, that keep me warm inside.

The curved domes of the Sultan Ahmet Mosque, the interior covered entirely by mosaic. Another intiguing thing is that this building has no corners, each angle is rounded. The prevailing hues of blue and gold gives it its alternative name - the Blue Mosque. And apparently it's considered sunnah for a Muslim to pray here. Aside from the central mosques in Mecca, this mosque is another one of the holy centres of Islam, or so a friend told me.

Beauty at a glance, but as we consider each slab of mosaic, we realise that's what we are. Just stone without others around us. And we realise that each of us contribute to make the bigger picture that much more alluring as we reach out to others. Humanity.

Blue sky with distant clouds, the deep blue sea. A view from the grounds surrounding the Hagia Sophia Museum. A warning to the wary, the grounds is extensive and it took us fairly fit individuals a full 10 hrs to complete it without break. There are benches around for people to sit and catch their breath, but we were on a  tight schedule and each wonder had us trotting form one to the next ceaselessly, like workaholics on amphetamine.

The want in us to seek greener pastures. The drive to go the distance and race along to an unknown destination. The stuff of dreams and that which fuels aspirations and consistent hardwork. Ambition. 

We had the chance to take the Bosphorus cruise and view the East and West banks of Istanbul. Surprisingly the cruise is government run and it costed 3 Lira - I think! I cant remember for sure now :P... 3 Lira is approximately 3USD, which works out to about 10bucks of my home currency. Not too steep a price for travelling students I feel :) Each cruise ship had floats lined up one the sides like this one and we saw the remnants of the old forts and watchtowers, the homes of the wealthy, lush greenery that later reminded me of Kerala a bit, and the famous Bosphorus bridge, a picture of which I think we and has to be somewhere in the collection of Istanbul pictures.

For a person afraid of open water, you make me want to jump into the cold waters anyway. Why? You make me feel safe and cared for, that's why. Security.

     The Hagia Sophia Cathedral and the Sultan Ahmet Mosque stand as symbols of religious renaissance in Istanbul. Also The Spice Bazaar, Central Bazaar, lighthouse, Caverna Basilica (which is eerily beautiful!), and the Hagia Sophia Museum are places not to be missed. 

     Will try to dig up some pictures and write another post some time :) 

     Oh and if you're at Istanbul, do walk along the tramline, use the tram with their cute red tokens, try their non-melting icecream, drink their apple tea, and don't forget to try their small ring shaped pastry with kas-kas on it. If you arent a travelling student on a  tight budget, Turkish tapestries and rugs should be on your wish list too :P 

     Turkey is worth the visit..! :)

The Checklist

Part A: Why relationships suck.

• \       When A tells you that B’s talking about you, and each day you see B and smile anyways?
• \       When you still care enough to make decent conversation with B, not because you want to make peace, but because years of companionship has to mean more than all the backstabbing and b*llsh*t-mongering?
• \       When you’re p*ssed off enough to come up with a dumbass checklist like this one?
• \       When you’re on auto mode and you listen to how much your loved ones are fed up with their better halves?
• \       When you know your loved ones’ better halves are wrong, but put in a kind word anyway (a) to make it seem okay and for their peace of mind and (b) you don’t want to be the ‘bad guy’ in their lives?
• \       When you have to tell them the other half is not worth their effort and tears and you feel like the bad guy nyways?
• \       When you wake up to go through a routine that has long since ceased to make sense to you?
• \       When A and B silently hate each others’ guts, and you just want to stay freaking neutral?
• \       When you realize you’re not a saint either because you have terrible thoughts about A and B and the the whole circus connected to them?
• \       When you want to sit in the room and not fr*aking talk to anyone because another smile or another snide remark is more than you can take?
• \       When you wish you had the b*lls and lack of coutesy to bash another’s teeth in for a sarcastic smile/remark, but you don’t?
• \       When you/others make mistakes and they never let it go?
• \       When they make mistakes and forget that others have already let go?
• \       When they go on and on and on about the same crap they’ve been spouting for years, allowing slight variations in the narration for dramatic effect?
• \       When you hear them say freaking discouraging things about things and people you love?
• \       When they seem to have forgotten that for some dumba*se reason you always had their back and never let others speak ill of them?
• \       When you want to ask them to shut the h*ll up because you don’t give a rat’s a*se about who did what and said what?
• \       When what they say about who said what and did what nags at your mind?
• \       When you feel like a total retard dealing with f*cking retards the whole day and get that scrunched up feeling in your shoulders?
• \       When you squint in frustration at a person who either intentionally or unintentionally made your day go from good to bad to worse and then hit rock bottom and even lower?

Part B: Why relationships rock.

• \       When you get home grumpy, disheartened and there’s a hand that draws you close and kisses your forehead.
• \       When there’s a friend you can sit next to and discuss things from nuclear fission and bladder catheterization to teletubbies and how cucumbers reproduce to V8 engines and vacuum cleaners.
• \       When there’s another who wants to sit there next to you and sip steaming tea from the same mug.
• \       When there’s someone who sees only you in a crowded room.
• \       When there’s mum and dad and the whole family works.
• \       When there’s home in a person you love.
• \       When there’s a person who knows your mum and dad and the whole family works and asks after them.
• \       When there’s comfort to do everyday small things with another.
• \       When another wants you to know every small detail of his/her life.
• \       When you want to hold another person close to make his/her day better.
• \       When you wake up and you know you fell asleep next to the right person.
• \       When you know for a fact that for every 500 screwed up relationships, the one right one makes it all worth it.
• \       When you thank the higher powers for letting you have that one right relationship.
• \       When you stop worrying and being afraid because there’s a person holding your hand.
• \       When you hold that person’s hand back.
• \       When you rant and rave at a person who cares enough to listen?
• \       When you listen to a friend rant and rave about his/her messed up day.
• \       When you share the good details of a day and the sh*tty parts don’t seem so big anymore.
• \       When you share a laugh over a joke and the scrunched up feeling in your shoulder loosens up.
• \       When you make someone’s frown bumps disappear and make them smile for real.
• \       When you come up with mushy cr*p like this checklist.

If you have all ticked in Part A and even one ticked in Part B of the checklist, then trust me, you’re doing pretty great :)

Homesick

The title says it all. Ggrr...I'm homesick for the people I love.

Crustaceanness

First off I know I've been MIA and not commenting on your blogs and all. But I'm home and that means little or no spare me time, so bear with me. When I get back to uni I'll catch up on all I've missed. I hope :)

Being home's weird. Hard facts hit home, old friends rediscovered, new friends make waves in our lives. The family never changes at the core though and I like that. That's what coming home means. PEOPLE I belong to. And I've found that I can find that in something other than blood relatives. I'm not too sure what to make of it though.

My family's my family and I've always known they'll be around to catch me and I've never wanted anyone else to cushion any falls before this. Now, I'm afraid that I've become dependent. Yeah, I used the D word. Dependent. And it nags at me.

I've always been me, doing what I want when I want. I'm not a rebel nor a trend-setter. I'm just content to be and believe that in whatever I do, I need to do it right. Now I've begun wondering what THEY think of me. These new people I've become dependent on. And I don't like it.

I'm afraid that these bonds will be severed come a few weeks, coz face it I have massive commitment issues and I know I might end up walking away. I just hope they keep me coming back for more because from where I'm standing right now, the view's pretty good and if I do have to budge, I hope I try to scale this mountain again.

~There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna wanna make it move~ Yep. I was inspired by Hannah Montana. Lolx.

Back to my train of thoughts. Actually winding country road of thoughts would be more appropriate.

I find myself with this insane need to UNDERSTAND people. I know. Knock me flat and call me blind. I've always liked being able to read people, figure out what makes them work. Hence the field I'm in right now. But there've been a couple of people of late where I want to know every single mundane detail. I wish people came in cans with the ingredients written on the label, along with the calorie count. Then I wouldn't become so bloody obsessed with figuring them out and I can go back to being nice old peace-loving garden-weeding couldnt-give-a-damn-bout-who's-not-talking-to-whom me.

Might as well wish I was a crustacean living in the Pacific then, huh?

Bottom line is this. I'm interested, aware of my inability to commit longterm, too curious even for my usual nosiness, annoyed at myself, slightly excited at my non-crustaceanness.What, I cant be all a lump of cynicism, now can I? I need to believe in SOME things.

I believe in NON CRUSTACEANNESS among other things :)

p/s: Crustaceans feature big in my blog, all for different reasons. I'm gonna have to start a label on that soon. Soon-ish

Mum to Daughter

She looked at her daughter and wished for her:
a man who would keep her safe
an inspiration that would help her through her rough days
a friend to laugh and cry with
a shoulder she could lean against
the strength to bear another's burden
someone who would never bring her down
someone who kept her humble
a person who knew right from wrong; who would never cheat or steal
one whose smile would make her daughter grin in return

Most of all, she wished her daughter would find a life partner who would cook, clean and do the laundry for her. Really :)

Conforming?

Let Go - His

Your smile’s always kind, polite;

Your conversation ceaselessly bright;

When we go out, you’re dressed to the nines;

And your humour is a definite gold mine,

But never once have I seen you let go:

I haven’t yet heard you chuckle or yawn,

Nor have your eyebrows come together in frown;

Your aura always seems a controlled brown,

And the golden halo is your perfect crown;

But I want to watch how you let go:

To dare and be more than society’s norm,

To be a bit crazy and let your hair down;

I’ll stand by you as you let it all go

Because, I only want to know the real you,

Not the shadow propriety can subdue.

Like always, each person gets his and her say for the sake of balance.

Today, Yesterday, Tomorrow - Hers

It felt good to see you again,

You in your T- shirt, its colour a bit waned,

Your humour light, as humble as rain,

Yet there were many things changed:

The way you looked so long at me,

As I searched for the rebel within;

The appreciative slight nod at me,

As you watched me frown, laugh and grin;

We were just not the same, were we?

I have changed you see,

Irrepressible daredevil no longer,

I am not who I used to be,

I am now a very different me.

Gone is the glaring individuality

I’ve become less of an eccentricity.

Experiences gained and friends lost,

Have made me that much more calmer,

Dreams let go off, achievements reached,

Have made me judgemental and stronger,

I’ve been moulded by the passing of time

And assimilated the rest traits you see.

And if you don’t much fancy the new me,

Then do us a favour, leave and let me be

Don’t expect me to turn back the clock for you

I cannot go back to who I once used to be

Or you could just hang around and learn:

To accept me as I am today

To remember what I was yesterday

And dare to stand by me as I grow tomorrow.

So what do you say?

The guy just wanted back the girl he had known and wondered why she would conform to an ideal she had not upheld previously. The girl, apparently not having an answer to that question, is just asking him to go with the flow and see what comes of it for she cannot undo the changes that she has made (has been made?) to herself.

Isn’t conforming part and parcel of everyday life? If not we’d find people walking around with leaves as clothes, using blood to write, sleeping in the bathroom and peeing in the kitchen and only heaven knows what else.

We do it for society, our family and friends, work, strangers, world peace (??) and ourselves. We do it knowingly and unknowingly. I feel Sigmund Freud-ish here.

I mean, all of us are rebels in our own ways, and allowing oneself to fit into society isn’t all that wrong, now, is it?