Tapping the vein, looking for a juicy one, my head spinning from the turmoil of the previous night, I still smile as my phone beeps. I've got you to go home to, see. Then I think back on the previous night.  Blood taking is very mechanical, small talk required, but it gives room for the tired mind to wander.

The patient was desaturating, 'Tukar high flow mask' I say after listening for ronchi or prolonged expiration. The nurses are well versed, they've already set up the crash cart and he's on the cardiac monitor. 'Boss, I'd like to inform you...' I say over the phone not knwing the patient's going into asystole. I rush back and climb onto the bed to do the chest compressions which many people argue is life saving, but in most cases I've seen it's more of a life prolongation. GCS dropping,intubation required, the MO has arrived. Fluid already being run, patient maxed out on triple ionotropes we get a bradycardic pulse. Arms heavy from fatigue we scramble off the bed and squint at the monitor. Is that a rhythm? Do we need atropine? Then heart rate becomes zero again and we do chest compressions again, patient's heart is stubbornly in asystole. 30 minutes, 40 minutes, the surrounding patients are hushed, suffering qualms of fear at the impending death of a fellow ward-mate.

I don't want my loved ones to spend their last few minutes like that. I've seen enough in the last few months. I feel the helplessness of family and slight glint of (?misplaced) hope as we ask them to stay outside while we resuscitate. Up to today I still tear each time it happens.

As the rib cage becomes more yielding under our persistent compressions, and the pupils become fixed dilated from a previous sluggish response over 2 days, we know our chnaces are slim for the patient to wake up and smile at his family. We know. We tell the family. DIL issued we say. Dia sudah tak ader  we say. Tindakbalas terhadap rawatan sangat kurang, jangkitan kumannya kuat sangat. Each time I say it something twists inside of me. Could we have done more? It's a life. It's a person someone else loves.

I don't want my loved ones to go with an NAR, nor do I want them to have tubes stuck down their throats or central lines flushed with drugs that give us a false impression of haemodynamic stability. I dont want their last active thought to be that of a tired medical worker shining a torch into their pupils or palpating their carotids. I dont want people to stick grey branulas into their groin area as they try for femoral lines when the BP is already spiralling downwards. I dont want them to suffer. But I will be damned if I signed an NAR and didnt try for that slight possibility that I might spend another 2 minutes with someone I care for.

Essentially to me, that's what CPR is. a temporary prolongation of live, and thne if God willing and the patient has what it takes, he/she survives and we medical workers have one less heartache. Don't be fooled. We feel for each person we care for,  whether he's an innocent or crimina, whether he's rich or old, or whether we like him/her or not.

So yes, I am against NAR, unless the prognosis is really horrendously bad. Until then, keep resuscitating. I prefer my people alive.

Pride and Vanity

I want you to know…

There are times you leave me in a quandry

Times when I realize you need more than me

And at those times I cannot explain the unease

The wire-bound tightness in my chest;

The tears of dull-toned hurt that fail to flow;

And the choking breaths that barely escape…

The beating mass in the centre of me,

That pump made of muscle so strong

Is in truth just weak…

The persistent flutters as it yearns too much

To be all that you want, the one thing you need?

That my friend is just pride and vanity

Writing.

Havent had time for it lately. The inspiration is in abundance though :p... perhaps one of these days. But that's what i've been saying for the past 3-4-5 mths... hehee... maybe tis time to accept that Connections needs to be put behind me? For a person that lets go of some things easily, some other things are way too hard for me to leave behind.. I think i take attachment to the point of obsession and disattachment to the point of schizoid personailty disorders. I need to find a middle path. This is when I should pay more attention to Buddhist teachings and seek the middle way. Oh well... back to my books for now..

Rambles.Race. More Rambles

Yep so I've been thinking, well not actually, I make better decisions when I don't think too much and just go with the flow.


I guess I'm keeping Connections at least till this summer. Once I get my posting I'm pretty certain that all blogging whims will be overruled by the need to get back to my loved ones and get decent rest. I hear residency can be hell... and even if I wished otherwise, blogging will become a thing of the past.This blog has been my constant companion through all sorts of times from 4 yrs ago... I know the posts here begin on Sept 2009, but it's in fact from an older blog that doesn't exist anymore. 


I've realised a few things of late:
-I'm pretty readable with or without the blog
-So what if the facts are laid out for people to see?
-I don't have commitment issues. I have attachment issues. This blog staying on would be an excellent example.
-I think that's all actually :P


And to get to the point of this post:


THE WORLDS NEED
Ella Wheeler Wilcox


O many gods, so many creeds,
So many paths that wind and wind,
While just the art of being kind
Is all the sad world needs.



That's all we all want and need, isn't it? A bit of kindness.


It has been two months plus since I got back here and lots of things have happened. Things have a way of happening like that I've noticed, whether you expect them to or want them to or not. Another 8 mths till I can go home to people I love and I'm pretty certain this road's gonna be littered with all sorts of random events which make uni life all the sweeter. Four times the current drama looming on the horizon... God give us strength! :P


Right so that didnt make too much sense, but blame it on the slightly sleepy state the food has put me in.


And do you know what's as awesome as loving and caring for someone? It's being loved and cared for in return. Mushiness I know. Just a liddel homesick..


Oh btw, happy belated Halloween and Deepavali to all who celebrate :) Me? I celebrated both :) And erm, focus on the poem, 'cause the rambles wont make sense nyways. It's just an outlet for my slow dribble of thoughts.


Have a great day, all! :)

Accusations: Bring Them On!

I’m a feminist

I am? Really? A friend pointed out that in almost every story that I write, the main protagonists are female.

I objected - naturally. I pointed out that in the book-cover-thing, the boss’ personality was as important as Mrs. H’s personal life; in ‘Moving On’ A was a very important character that I probably didn’t develop enough; Kach had to be a woman because women were better with secrets and more easily confused by their emotions and family; and Khai had to be the main character because that’s how I heard the story.

Also, if my friend had read the posts on ‘Conditional Love’ and ‘Children’, my attempts at being impartial and my ability to admit the weakness of my own gender should work in favour of my objections, no?

But, maybe, just maybe, I am a feminist deep down inside. I’m a woman after all and coming from my family, I realise how much it means to accept a person for who they are, even if it’s just a girl proud of being a member of the fairer sex.

Confusing? I think I’m trying to say that I might be a feminist, but I’m not an extreme one, not to the extent of thinking 6-feet-tall women should rule the world at least… :D

I linger too much on the past

My label ‘Orchard of Memories’ has a surprising number of ? posts. I actually failed to notice that!

I’m not too sure, but I’ll go out on a limb here and say that that could be because I believe in this:

“The past and the people we meet along the way make us who we are and possibly affect what we’ll become in future, and I like to jot it down so that I might figure out what makes me tick inside”

Everyone and everything deserves due recognition. So yeah, I’m not going to refute this claim :P

I never blog on politics

True, what can I say… I usually don’t express things I don’t have faith in. That includes: politics, extraterrestrial life, the Lochness monster and flying pigs. Go figure.

I am commitment-phobic

Apparently they arrived at this conclusion because my label for some of my posts says ‘Commitment?’ with a question mark… Ooohhhkkkaaayyy

It isn’t that I question commitment, all right? It’s supposed to be taken with a dose of humour, people. Chillex, la!

I’m all pro-marriage like I pointed out bluntly in this, but yeah I doubt everlasting love and undying devotion unless it’s to a higher power i.e. scary mothers, frowning dads, cooing babies, crazy siblings and the Big Guy Up There who watches over us all :)

Relationships are fine by me, but excuse me if I seem cynical when a guy/girl professes love on the second date. I think you should make sure you’ve heard the other fart, go all ape sh*t over insignificant matters and do all the other normal human things before you decide the sun shines out of their ars*s… A bit old-school perhaps? :P

Others

I write a lot on other people. Why, thank you! That’s why it’s called ‘Connections’, because I’m trying to connect the dots between us all. Bridging the gap, breaking the ice, reaching out… that sorta thing!

This post and a number of others are dedicated exclusively to muah. So, this accusation, while being sweet to my ears, is not entirely true :)

I rarely use names

Most perceptive. I think that when I use a name, people get a certain image of the person. Imagine if my hero was named:

Aaron – you might picture a tall blonde guy with braces riding a bicycle or a Jew complete with tall black hat and beard

Joginder – you’re probably thinking of a tall Punjabi guy with a purple turban, doing the ‘light bulb move’ to a Bangra remix

When I do use names, like Khadijah, it’s to show something. In Khadijah’s case it’s a classic Muslim name reflecting her traditional upbringing.

Since I write based on real life experience mostly, the lack of full names also offer a level of anonymity to my subject(s?) of interest at that given time.

My font is usually small and I love colours, I love words

Completely true! :)

I ‘see’ God in waaayyy too many things

            The night got late, and talk turned philosophical. My concept of seeing God in water, children and mothers made for a long, rambling conversation with another friend. But honestly, I find the simple things like human bonds and nature the best way to appreciate a higher power, and if I can’t be honest in my own blog, where my worldly identity is pretty much shrouded in shadows, then why blog, right? Blogging’s meant to express what I feel and think and believe after all!:P

            Wait, what if I have ‘God complex’? O_o

Err… I’ll save that question for another day – not a path I’m willing to tread right now!

All in all I never thought the way I blog could be analysed to this detail, but I’m thankful for the external scrutiny. Perhaps it’ll give me a fresh insight to who I am. Even if it doesn’t, it did generate yet another winding post from me anyways… A post not quite on par with an episode of the Myth Busters, which I find good fun incidentally…  ;)

In Search

I find that almost every question or dilemma has a simple solution, but most of us end up asking the wrong questions.

We ask ourselves all too often:
Why are we here? 
Where's the prove that God exists?
Can we create anti-matter?

I think we should be asking:
OK, I'm here. Now what do I do to make my being here worthwhile? 
What have I done to prove that humanity exists? (I mean, why think about God when we lose track of how to be humane?)
What did I do to preserve the Earth? (Antimatter paradoxically creates matter or something like that.  Don't get me wrong, I love science and development, but what's the use of it if the world we live in is being destroyed everyday by a thousand thoughtless acts?

All the hypothetical questions friends keep throwing at me is taking it's toll, so do excuse the occasional philosophical thought, ya?

I'll be back to normal blogging in a while - I hope :)