Written By A Very Angry Girl

Warning: B*tching session in progress.

“Love. I believed in it once, now I don’t anymore.” That line, it made my blood boil. I closed that blasted tab, a profile page on Facebook, the profile of a friend I once knew. I tried to calm down. I browsed through some YouTube clips and trimmed my nails, but I could still feel  the throbbing at my temples.

Deliberately I opened my Facebook profile and updated my status. When I was done, it read: ‘Where were you when I needed you? And now you make it seem like you were the only one wronged. Grow up la…! Ggrrr..!!’

Totally immature but that done I felt better. You see, it had been going on for months. A mutual friend was the unasked source of updates on my ex’s life and apparently two years down the road, he still is all torn up over me and it sure as hell beats me as to why. Not like I am irreplaceable. Not like he ever took much initiative when we were together. Not like he lacks the maturity to let go and move on. Wait. I take the last one back.  The consistency in his emotional outbursts used to worry me. I thought perhaps he was unstable. Now it’s more of a wallowing in self pity and it has me raging mad. Gggrrrr…!!!

Allow me to explain my sudden lack of maturity. I am usually a calm person, but my ex and I share mutual friends. And on Facebook, it isn’t too hard to piece together who one person is talking about in his/her status updates… and since my ex has never been in a real relationship either before or after me, it would take a deaf and dumb blonde with no worldly exposures to not guess who he has been implying in his heart broken shoutouts.

I am not evil. At least I don’t think I am. But I AM human. And when you stalked me to my front door and involved my family I told you to back off and be decent. Then you assured another mutual friend that you would let go. 6 months plus after that ‘assurance’, and you’re still playing The Wronged in a relationship that lasted less than a year. A relationship where we tried to make it right so many times?  Remember the one where you lacked the commitment and balls to pick up the phone and call me when I needed a friend? The one where you didn’t bother finding out what day I was leaving to 7000 miles away and didn’t call me for a week after that till I called and said it was over? And then you said OK time to call it quits?

And then you decided that you had lost the one thing that made you 'cared for'? Did it ever occur to you that you ever only looked for me when you were going through great change – like getting a posting?

Now, 2.5 years down the road I am sick and bloody tired of hearing that you haven’t ‘gotten over the one person you cared for’ because when we were together you had the emotional capacity of a marshmallow. So stop telling the world that ‘no matter what you do, you can’t erase memories of her’  because you don’t deserve the pathetic sympathy people give you for having ‘loved and lost’. And stop being a jack*ss.  Please.

Then I thought of this quote:

“FB war is like Paralympics. No matter who wins, if you’re a part of it, you’re still a retard.”

But being retarded is so much cooler than being slandered.

It Has Been A While

Yes, it has...I've been otherwise occupied and intend to get this blog back up and running... Soon..erm soon-ish :P

Insecurities

You know the normal story

How he loves you and leaves?

Fights and lies mar the memory

Tears fall for a time so brief?

Then you wake up from the stupor

Heart barricaded, crocodiles fed

Then you wake up from the stupor

Resolute to not be in pain and sad

Then you wake up from the stupor

But the crocodiles have become meaner

You’ve fed them don’t you see,

The unnamed beasts have been fed!

You smile again, survive and dance away,

No mention of crocodiles by any breadth

Brave upfront yet afraid to let ‘em in,

The friends you haven’t met at arm’s length

You laugh and go through the routine…

Until…

One day the meticulous dams break

The fortress falls to ruins over time

Your armour rusts off piece by blasted piece

You let your guard slip, unknowingly perhaps?

And someone makes it in:

A friend you can trust

Someone who cares in too blatant a way

No deception, just plain sincerity

Honesty so painful that the beasts are silenced

And even you begin to think ‘em slain

Then something reminds you they’re there

Watching, waiting, hungry for a morsel…

And yet the friend stays

‘For some crocodiles,’ he says

‘You need to wield the knife yourself

I killed nine of ten

I left you one, just one tiny one

To help you grow, to help you decide

And through it all, I’ll be at your side’

‘So fuck the crocodile,’ I say

‘Let’s go catch that movie at nine’

Xmas

It's Christmas today here. I'm splat in Eastern Europe, in a country where the people are predominantly Orthodox Christians. For them Christmas is on Jan 7th :)

I was going through my bloglist and realised that stuff I read comes predominantly from Malaysia, Sri Lanka and India... There are the odd African and American blogs out there that I follow, but they're rare and few in number.. Just a random thought.

First snowfall during our first year

Istanbul and Me

Hi all :) Been some time since i read a decent blog, much less posted one. Been kinda preoccupied, my apologies. Nyways, here I am, 6 days into my winter hols, uploading a few pictures from our 3-day transit in Istanbul on the way home last summer. Just to add a dimension to it, am tacking on some feelings to each image.

An old tree in the Hagia Sophia Musuem. A lot of wonder and enthusiasm was poured into Ottoman relics and bejeweled daggers and teapots (yes, there was a ruby inlaid teapot), but just as much amazement and awe was found in this tree, hollow inside, yet still providing shade. 

When I see you with another, this is is how I feel. Like there's something gnawing at me from the inside out, but yet I stand there, unwilling and unable to move. Jealousy and Commitment.

A pup on the grounds of the Sultan Ahmet (Blue) Mosque. I come from a Muslim country and transiting in yet another Muslim country, I was touched to see the casual passerby feed stray dogs and cats alike. And shockingly, the stray looks almost like a pure breed Lab, don't you think?

Each moment spent with a loved one is like the moment the pup had, lying in the sun on the fluffy green green grass. A feeling of comfort and peace. Content :)

This is the replica of the candle chandeliers they had in the Hagia Sophia Cathedral. The Cathedral is easily one of the most beautiful buildings I have ever seen - even in the state of reconstruction it was in! Despite the 70 odd tourists in the same building complex, there was a calm about the area, unmatched in any other part of Istanbul.

Sharing small everyday things with a loved one switches on a myriad of bulbs in me, each one almost routine, but not a single mundane one unimportant. Many small things that matter to me, that keep me warm inside.

The curved domes of the Sultan Ahmet Mosque, the interior covered entirely by mosaic. Another intiguing thing is that this building has no corners, each angle is rounded. The prevailing hues of blue and gold gives it its alternative name - the Blue Mosque. And apparently it's considered sunnah for a Muslim to pray here. Aside from the central mosques in Mecca, this mosque is another one of the holy centres of Islam, or so a friend told me.

Beauty at a glance, but as we consider each slab of mosaic, we realise that's what we are. Just stone without others around us. And we realise that each of us contribute to make the bigger picture that much more alluring as we reach out to others. Humanity.

Blue sky with distant clouds, the deep blue sea. A view from the grounds surrounding the Hagia Sophia Museum. A warning to the wary, the grounds is extensive and it took us fairly fit individuals a full 10 hrs to complete it without break. There are benches around for people to sit and catch their breath, but we were on a  tight schedule and each wonder had us trotting form one to the next ceaselessly, like workaholics on amphetamine.

The want in us to seek greener pastures. The drive to go the distance and race along to an unknown destination. The stuff of dreams and that which fuels aspirations and consistent hardwork. Ambition. 

We had the chance to take the Bosphorus cruise and view the East and West banks of Istanbul. Surprisingly the cruise is government run and it costed 3 Lira - I think! I cant remember for sure now :P... 3 Lira is approximately 3USD, which works out to about 10bucks of my home currency. Not too steep a price for travelling students I feel :) Each cruise ship had floats lined up one the sides like this one and we saw the remnants of the old forts and watchtowers, the homes of the wealthy, lush greenery that later reminded me of Kerala a bit, and the famous Bosphorus bridge, a picture of which I think we and has to be somewhere in the collection of Istanbul pictures.

For a person afraid of open water, you make me want to jump into the cold waters anyway. Why? You make me feel safe and cared for, that's why. Security.

     The Hagia Sophia Cathedral and the Sultan Ahmet Mosque stand as symbols of religious renaissance in Istanbul. Also The Spice Bazaar, Central Bazaar, lighthouse, Caverna Basilica (which is eerily beautiful!), and the Hagia Sophia Museum are places not to be missed. 

     Will try to dig up some pictures and write another post some time :) 

     Oh and if you're at Istanbul, do walk along the tramline, use the tram with their cute red tokens, try their non-melting icecream, drink their apple tea, and don't forget to try their small ring shaped pastry with kas-kas on it. If you arent a travelling student on a  tight budget, Turkish tapestries and rugs should be on your wish list too :P 

     Turkey is worth the visit..! :)